Mark 14:12-25. Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me, one who is eating with me.” They began to be distressed and to say to him one after another, “Surely, not I?”
I often wonder what Judas was thinking as he sat at table with Jesus and his friends. Did he think what he was doing was worth it? Did it seem to him to be the right thing? Was he having second thoughts? And what was he feeling? Was his heart pounding? His stomach churning? Was he afraid, or heartsick, or angry? What, if anything changed in him between his conversation offering to betray Jesus to the chief priests, and that intimate supper in somebody’s upstairs room? A supper only Judas and Jesus knew would be the last for this band of disciples who had traveled together for so long, who had hoped for so much, who had worked so hard to bring God’s kingdom to come.
I wonder whether Judas heard another word, after Jesus announced that someone right there at that table would deny him? I wonder if any of them heard another word? It must have been quite disconcerting really—probably even very uncomfortable around that table… not just for Judas, but for everyone. Someone in the midst of this faithful little band of brothers is a traitor. Someone isn’t to be trusted. Someone is going to have a hand in the death of the one who had called each of them by name, and the one whom they called rabbi, master, Messiah.
And even though Judas knew it was him, one by one, every other disciple asked, “Is it me?” Every one of them, trembling as he wondered “Surely not I?” Could it be that each one of those disciples somehow knew of his own capacity to turn away from God … to betray God?
Could it be me? It’s a bold question to ask ourselves, and a most uncomfortable question at that. But it’s a really important question to ask, if only to begin to understand what it means for us—as individuals and as a worshipping community, to follow Jesus in a radically authentic way. We talk about Christianity being counter-cultural, yet don’t always find ourselves living in countercultural ways. Our culture is profoundly self-involved… self-fulfillment and personal satisfaction, looking out for our own interests and personal advancement are the goals our culture encourages us in. And sometimes, in the face of our own heartache or fear or brokenness, we are right there in the midst of that misguided culture, finding that we too have fallen short of Jesus’ call to rich and real gospel living.
Do you remember what happened just after Jesus spoke of the betrayal that was to occur? “…He took a loaf of bread, and after blessing it he broke it, gave it to them, and said, ‘Take, eat; this is my body.” In the face of the ultimate betrayal, Jesus offered himself again… “this is my body… this is my blood shed for you and for all…” Jesus continues to offer himself to us too, not in spite of our foibles and failures, but because of who Jesus is.
In Lent we have the wonderful opportunity to take stock of our lives—to find the places where we don’t allow God in and to begin to open up those hidden places, the places of our own betrayal, to the God who loves us, the One from whom no secrets are hid. So don’t be afraid. Don’t be ashamed of the betrayals you may find. Because when we open ourselves up to what God wants to show us, we come to know that it’s all for the sake of Love.
— Karen Haig
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